I am an avid planner. For instance, I looked at my college’s master calendar, and whimsically breezed to the months that comprise Spring 2012 (my last semester). As it turns out, the powers that be have set a date for my graduation activites a year in advance. Though these dates could change, the chill of drastic change is in the year. Wonderful, drastic change.
In high school, we are told that college is the “real world.” I came to college expecting cruelty and neglect, but instead, I was greeted by professors that genuinely care about me. I am not suggesting that college is not reality, but my existence is somewhat encased within a bubble. However, the walls of my bubble are becoming thin. I received my assignments for fall semester student teaching today, and I realized that this semester will be my final full load semester. This semester will be my final semester with some of my favorite professors, but I can look forward to having new ones next spring.
I am taking the GRE this summer, working on a writing sample for graduate school, hiding away money here and there from my hostessing job for academic endeavors, and I’m trying to keep my head on my shoulders. As I spend many hours in my campus’ library, I wonder if this is really how I want to spend the years of my life. Tucked away in a library, surrounded by scholarship, trying to produce something of meaning.
If you were wondering, the answer is yes.
Today, our chapel speaker said sometimes we ask God for things that we think we want. Often, we don’t want what we think we want. I wonder this often. I wonder if I want what I really want, or if I’m chasing a romanticized dream of the academic life. Regardless, the whole process of thinning the bubble’s wall has allowed me to give more of my life to the transforming power of Christ. Have I completely surrendered my desires? No, but growing up is teaching me quite a bit about this.
It’s days like today, where I wonder where the time went, if I want what I really want, and if I’m doing the right thing. It’s days like today that allow me to entertain the belief that there is something beyond the horizon, waiting for me to discover it. I just have to be open to whatever that something is.